ASS-U-ME

Ass-u-me
Version 3.0

When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.

People often say that they do not judge based on appearance; or, put simply, that given a series of perceptions, one draws on past experiences to make an obvious mental choice about their current situation. (Obviously).

Lets say you go to the Hilton in the middle of the night and a belhop is creepily leering at you. Later on, while you take naked pictures of him in Grant Park, you notice that he is wearing flesh-colored underwear. Well this should have been OBVIOUS. But instead, you stupidly ASSUME that he is not creepy, even though he is a BELHOP and NAKED.

this man is naked and on a couch, much like yourself

Another example, yes? Lets say for a moment that you are ASSUMING FROM DIAGRAM that the person coming towards you from the opposite lane is going to stop at the yellow light, so you make the left turn. But then you realize that they did NOT stop, and they are slamming into the front of your car. How stupid of you for ASSUMING that they would stop. YOU just made an ass out of YOURSELF and SOMEONE ELSE by assuming this.  So therefore, assuming is not The Proper Way to go about your daily business.

We must get the message out quickly:  Assuming is ripping our society to bits.  There are many ways to remind people not to assume.

How to Help Yourself and Others to Stop Assuming:  

  •  Buy a truck. Paint a mural on the side of it which effectively communicates the power of Not Ass-U-Me-ing symbolically with graffiti. This is best done by an urban-style teenager.
  • If you don't drive, or don't have a car, you could always make a t-shirt that says, "Ass-U-Me" on the front really big.  Make sure you wear it to important things, like to a wedding or a funeral.
  • When signing important legal contracts, you should also spread the word of "Ass-U-Me".  For example, if your name is Al Roker, make sure you sign it as Al "Ass-U-Me" Roker.  This way, people may begin to stop assuming.
  • If you own any pets that have hair, shave "Ass-U-Me" into the hair.  Make sure if you take the pet outside, and tie alarm clocks to it, so people hear it, see it, and get the message.
  • Get to class early, and write "Ass-U-Me" really big on the chalkboard.
  • Whenever you are out at a fast food restaurant, take the packets of ketchup and write out "Ass-U-Me" on the tables, windows, doors, employees, or anything else that just happens to be immobile at the moment.
  • Endnotes and Footnotes of important research papers are excellent places to remind astute readers not to Ass-U-MeDUH.
  • Before you go to a grocery store, tie little pieces of paper that say "Ass-U-Me" to large rocks.  When you go into an aisle, lob the rocks into neighboring aisles.  This will spread the word quickly.

Remember, these are just some ideas to help people understand the concept of "Ass-u-me".  If you have any more ideas, please email me.  To conclude, do not assume.   Assuming is bad.  Because when you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME.   Thank you.

When you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME. Gigglebounce.com. 2007.