I wrote this shortly after finding a dead body when I was 14.

Dead Body
Corpus Mortum

I found a dead body.  I think it's an interesting enough story to get a webpage.


There's nothing to do in New Lenox.  That's why a lot of the little teens romp around and beat people, like me, up.  Or at least they threaten.  That's why I carry around a pointed stick and lots of liquified asphalt.  (But that's a whole other story).  The point is, is that there's nothing for losers like me to do besides smooshing pennies on train-tracks and holding up "Jesus Told Me He Hates You" signs in front of random churches.  (And that, too, is another story).  The fact is, I'm really asking for trouble.  I don't want to get into direct trouble, like for flinging cow poop at someone's house or gluing cheese to the post office, but I like doing stupid things like blowing off illegal fireworks behind village hall. 

Last June, on the second day of Freshman summer vacation, my friend Marty and I went to the front of Village Hall and we were just sitting around on the sidewalk.  He brought a candle (I don't know why) and we were burning ants and firecrackers and stuff.   There's a little section of forest preserve right near the village hall, and I like to prance around in there because there's lots of little bugs and woodland creatures and trees and goats and mountains and fairies.  Ok, not really, but I do like going in there just to say "Hmm.." and then walk out.

Things were going good, when suddenly I caught a waft of one horrible stench.  I was like "Ewww..is that ME?!"  and I began smelling myself.  No no...It wasn't me.  Marty wasn't stinky either.  We assumed it was the cornfields that smelled.   You know how farmers like to smear old goat poop on everything so it grows, or something.  We just kept loafing normally for a while.

I then decided to light a big string of firecrackers, and I freaked out and ran into the woods.  Bad decision.  I just kind of froze, because I saw the back of someone's beige pants, a plaid shirt, and what looked like a duct-taped head.  I just didn't move for what seemed to be a few minutes.  Laughing hysterically, I came out of the woods and tried to tell Marty in between my crazed giggling that there was a dead body in the woods.  Coming from me, it seemed like a joke.  Ok.  So anyway he went in the woods and looked..and then came out just sort of like "EEEEEEE"...we were pacing back and forth going "ohdearohdearohdear" and we couldn't decide what we should do.  I thought they would put me im prison for murdering someone.

Little did we know that the police officers are stationed in village hall.  Duh.   After a few minutes of worrying, we saw a police officer driving down the road and we flagged her down and told her there was some sort of dead body or perhaps some sort of mannequin in the woods.  She was being sarcastic and said "OH OKAY" and called the sheriff.  While we were waiting, she yelled at us for being in the woods, because it was trespassing.  She also told us not to be riding our bikes and stopping at village hall.

The sheriff lady got there, and looked a little pissed off because she had to stop what she was doing (donuts) to look for this mythical "dead body".  She angrily paraded herself into the woods and stayed there for a few minutes.  She came out and went right back into the safety of her car and called for backup.  Pretty soon, there were like 10 police cars and all of these New Lenox people began coming out of their house to stare at the festivities.  There was actually one family who took a home movie.   That's how boring it is out here.

This dorky police guy came over to us and yelled at us for trespassing.  Then he started asking me stupid questions like "WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HAIR."   "HOW TALL ARE YOU".  I kept asking people about the status on the dead person, if he was murdered or what, and nobody would tell me.  I was also still laughing hysterically.  Not that it was funny, but just a little disturbing or something.  I think maybe I was nervous.  Someone told me to stop laughing or ELSE.  <jarring chord>

I called my mom with a cell phone..it was really funny.."Hi mom?  I went on my bike to Jewel, and then bought some food, and then I went to Walgreens to look for something, and then I came over to the village hall, and then I found a dead body."   She thought I was joking but then the police officer was getting angry because I still couldn't stop laughing and she yanked the phone away from me to tell my mom to come down there immediately.  Marty's conversation was about the same, only he asked his brother to go buy him something to drink on the way there.

Our parents arrived and looked a little confused.  My dad looked really scared and made up some excuse that he had to go buy some fresh meat or something and left. I don't remember much after that, except they kind of told us to leave.  Oh yeah.  I do remember that the New Lenox Coroner-mobile thingy was really just a station wagon with "CORONER" stenciled in on the side.  I couldn't stop laughing.  If only I brought my camera..

Oh yeah..and that's the first REAL deadbody in New Lenox.  Ever.  They should have given me a few dollars or a hat or something.  It's kind of like finding a lost dog, I guess.  Mmm!

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Tiger BoB sez "It's like a banana in your ear!"