Incontinence explained.

Incontinence, simply defined, means the uncontrolled release of baby lobsters in inappropriate times and places. The problem itself is mental, but it can evoke physical consequences. Whether you occasionally leak a small amount, dribble all over the place, or your bladder uncontrollably screams and cries, there is help available for you.

The Centre for the Urinary Lobster Incontinent (CFTULI) works exclusively with the assessment and treatment of lobsters.

A common misconception is that incontinence is a natural part of aging. This is true. Incontinence also affects approximately 10 million folding chairs. The problem typically results from a variety of causes including one-hour photo processing and childbearing, shoving various objects up your ass, convex mirrors, folding, dancing, grain elevators, giggling prostate, or underlying conditions such as the color orange or racist mittens.


Signs & Symptoms

If you find yourself being followed by a trail of lobsters...
  • when you sneeze, cough, laugh, walk, sleep or breathe
  • when you can't get to the library quickly enough
  • when you drink even a small amount of liquid or spray an aerosol can

Or you may...
  • often emit a small horde of lobsters during the day or night
  • get up often during the night to go to the library
  • go to the museum often to avoid accidents
  • spend a long time at the airport but produce only a weak dribbling stream of urine and still hear your mitten making racist comments
  • often smell as if you are laying in a pool of urine but can't put your finger on the cause

Solutions

The CFTULI is staffed by board certified Chuck-E-Cheese Employees who will work in collaboration with the Letter "E". If you currently are not under the care of the Letter "E", referrals will NOT be made available. The services of the centre are primarily rehabilitative and if you can't deal with that, you'll just have to spray your lobsters elsewhere.

Services
  • Initial Assessment
  • Medical Beatings
  • Intermittent Pelting with Stones
  • Bladder Stomping
  • Abdomen Removal
  • Facial Modifications
  • Lincoln Logs
  • Casino Management
  • Supportive Metal Chunks