System Requirements

System Requirements
For Optimal Viewing Experience.


This page is best seen on a computer.

It is best to set the monitor to only 1 pixel resolution.  You know.  A giant dot.

The actual speed of the computer should be very fast.  If you are using a PC, it should be at least 833 MHz (you know, as I update this site on 12/29/99, there actually ARE 800 MHz computers. So who is the ass now, hmmm?).   (and then, as I update this site on 7/30/07, there are dual-core 64-bit processors. And 2 gigs of ram. DAMN YOU LAW OF MOORE.)   On a Macintosh, um, it should not be an iMac.  It should be one of those very fast cube-shaped Macintii with the little garbage can icons on it.  They make it fast.

The computer itself should be sparkly green.  If it is not sparkly and green, then a giant arm shall instantly come out of the computer and inject you with the Ebola Virus.

It is best that your computer knows how to speak Swahili fluently.

Your computer should have an "Easy Bake Oven" drive.  You know that children's toy with the little spatula and you put fake cake-mix on it and then cram it in there and then it cooks it with it's harmful radiation?  Yes..you'll need a separate drive that can do that.  I belive the cost of the new "Easy Bake Oven" drives are somewhere between $500-$900.  It is well worth the money.

You should speak to your computer for an hour each day for at least 7 days before you can come to this webpage and experience with complete understanding.  Of course, you will need to learn Swahili to do this.

Your computer should be able to simulate walking with a limp.

Put your ear up to your computer.  Now.  Do you hear breathing?  Do you hear bells?  Do you hear the violent beatings of slave-labor children in 3rd world countries who are working for Kathie Lee Gifford and are getting paid 1/5th of a cent a day?  You should be.

You must water your computer before entering this site.  If you water enough, the elf living inside your computer will grow to full-size and kill your family while you are gone at work.

Your computer should weigh at least 80 Pounds.  If it doesn't, I highly suggest filling the CPU with gravel or, better yet, shards of Radon.  Mmm!  Make sure you eat the little chunks of Radon.  Remember, children, radiation sickness leads to a slow and painful death! *giggle,bounce*

Computers need to ferment and turn into expensive wines every once in a while.   All you need to do is stomp on your computer with bare feet until it turns into a liquid.  This process does not take very long.  Pour the liquid into a giant hollowed-out iMac.  Let it sit, undisturbed, for at least 17 years.  After 17 years, drink up!  (And then, of course, go to my site).

Does your computer have a CD-Recorder?  If it does, make sure you rip the top of the CD-R off and stare into the lazer light thingy.  It will improve your vision and give your skin a healthy glow.

Last, but not least, your computer needs to have sporradic fits of hommicidal rage.   It should have the ability to rip one's heart out like an Aztec priest. Yay!


Does your computer fulfill these system requirements?
(This is not a rhetorical question.  You must answer by loudly screaming at your computer and then by sacrificing a small woodland creature to the Netscape gods.)

Thank you for reading my System Requirements.


Note:  This page was, in all ways, a joke.  I will not be held responsible for idiots who prance around and then blame everything on me or people who go to my school and load up my webpage in the library and then bookmark it several hundred times, leaving the system administrater bewildered and teary-eyed, and then suspending me from school because I was not being appropriate on my webpage, which, by the way, was made in the privacy of my own home and, as a matter of fact, could actually have been made by some crazy person just claiming to be me.  (Update: I'm in grad school studying computer science. WHO HAS THE LAST LAUGH NOW semicolon else break semicolon.)